Written by Jody Smith in Marriage
Viewed by 44 readers since 07-28-2009

Why does he get home so late? His explanations seem so vague. He seems distant somehow. It doesn’t take something as blatant as lipstick on his collar or unfamiliar perfume for a wife to wonder if her husband is cheating on her.

A thousand little things, things that feel … wrong. You sense something’s changed. You dread the answer to the question, “Is he cheating on me?” but you need to know.

The direct approach may not get you the truth, and may drive him further underground. If your husband was hiding things before, he’ll be even more careful to hide things after that.

You’ll learn more by the covert approach. You could hire a private investigator, which is pricey, or you can investigate on your own. Let’s begin there.

Start by examining his paper trail.

Credit card statements record things like unmentioned or lied-about dinners out, bookings in hotels or motels that he forgot to tell you about, and rental vehicles. A rental car would make it harder to know where he’s been, how far he’s driven, or even that he’s been anywhere at all. You may be thinking your husband’s working overtime, and instead he’s cheating on you with his mistress in a hideaway for the afternoon.

Check the odometers of your cars. If they’re surprisingly low, it may mean he didn’t really have a long drive to see a client, but rather, the car sat unused while he spent time with his mistress. If instead the odometers are very high, chances are he’s been driving more than he lets on, going places with his mistress. Need more information? Attach a GPS system to the car. Then you’ll know exactly where he’s been.

Does your husband now delete voicemail? Check home phone bills, cellphone bills, looking for frequently appearing numbers, or familiar numbers (hoping he’s not cheating on you with one of your friends). Hit redial or *69 to find out who he talked to last. Buy software for cellphones that record text-messages and phone numbers.

Check his pockets for receipts, notes with phone numbers, names, and addresses. If he travels for business, check his hotel bill, and airplane tickets.

Check your husband’s email. Check the history to see what he’s doing and with whom. If he’s deleted the history, this raises a red flag. You can install spy software or a keystroke logger on your computer. This will record everything you want (or don’t want) to know about what he’s doing and where he’s going online.

If you’re suspicious about where your husband goes when he’s out, follow him. You can drive behind him, out of sight. When he says he has to work late or go in on a Saturday when he doesn’t normally, go to his office. See if he’s really there. If you suspect that you know where he’s meeting with his mistress, go to that restaurant or that hotel. Stay hidden. But see for yourself.

Even if the truth hurts, you have a right to know.