Let’s face it – crime is, for the most part, not an occupation for the smart. For every debonair jewel thief or cunning computer embezzler, there’s a thousand stupid thugs who get caught trying to break the law in truly idiotic ways. I have scoured the world to bring you tales of the slowest of this group. These mooks should probably be thankful that they’re in jail, because the outside world is just too dangerous for them.

Take the case of Los Angeles bank robber Travion Davis. The nineteen year old master criminal was worried that witnesses to his heist would be able to identify him by his distinctive clothing. Unfortunately, his solution to this problem was to strip completely naked before entering the bank. Amazingly, he got out with $15,000 in cash, held in two plastic shopping bags. What the nude robber failed to realize, however, is that a naked man running down the street is also pretty identifiable by cops, who captured the dangling Davis and threw him in the pokey.

Or how about Winston Treadway, who also had some problems down his pants. The Boston native walked into a supermarket in 1994 and tried to steal two Maine lobsters – by stuffing them down the front of his trousers. Unfortunately, the sea crustaceans got their claws loose and latched on to the softest targets – Winston’s dangling testicles. It was no trouble for the police to arrest the lobster-snatcher as he rolled on the floor of the store in unimaginable pain.

There are all sorts of things that can go wrong when you try to rob a store. Adam Cooper tried to rob a grocery store by crawling through the vents from the roof. Unfortunately, he became trapped in the narrow ventilation shafts and was found the next morning screaming for his life. Emergency workers cut his clothes off, poured bottles of vegetable oil down the shaft, and extracted the greasy, embarrassed robber to face the judge.

Sometimes a stupid criminal is actually smarter than the cops. Concerned Florida citizen Scott Plumley went to his local cops complaining about drug dealers in his neighborhood. The cops told Plumley they couldn’t do anything about it because they didn’t have any evidence that the suspects were actually dealing. So what did Scott do? He marched over to their door, bought four dollars worth of marijuana, and took it right back to the police station as proof. And what did they do? Why, they arrested poor Scott on pot possession, of course. That’ll teach him to be a good citizen!

Keeping with the trend of dumb cops and dumb criminals, sometimes they’re one and the same. A police officer in Dearborn, Michigan stole some marijuana from a suspect, but instead of turning it in as evidence, he took them home and had his wife bake it into brownies. This would prove to be a big mistake, as Cpl. Edward Sanchez would get so looped up on wacky weed that he would call 911 in a drug-induced haze. When the recording of his hilarious freakout hit the Internet, it made this criminal cop a worldwide sensation.